Wednesday, February 2, 2011
1st paragraph of my short story
The fighting starts again between their parents. " all they do is fight" Liam said to his brother Matt. "this is getting rediculous" said matt. "do u think they will you know wat" said conor. "a devorce" said Liam. "i dont know that is between mom and dad to figure out, it is non of our buisness" says matt. after the fighting stops their mom yells at their father to get out of the house and never come back again. "i think we know what that means" says conor. "shut up conor" Liam said.
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Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you go right into your story and put the reader into the action at the beginning. You make the story seem like it happens in life by how the brothers talk to each other. Just remember that each quote starts with a capital letter, each time the speaker changes it has to be a new paragraph, the names of the boys need to be in capital letters and the beginning of sentences, and at the end of each quote you need punctuation. My question is what are Liam's parents fighting about? I can't wait to read the rest of your story.
Madelyn
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteBy starting the story with the boys parents fighting really makes it seem that the story takes place in real life. You make the brothers seem like real kids by the way they speak and interact with each other. I like how you describe the boys by using dialogue and it makes me know how their attitude is. I feel like I already know how the boys will act through out the story and what the brotheres will do in situations they are put into. My suggestions are you start sentences and the boys names with capital letters, each time the speaker changes it is supposed to be a new paragraph, and the ending of quotes need to have punctuation. The only question I have is what are the boys' parents fighting about?
I can't wait to read the rest of your story and find out what happens to the family.
Madelyn